


I like games!

by armintheyard



Category: Plants vs Zombies, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Antagonism, CraaAAAaaAAAAaazyness, Gen, Intestines, Jem'Hadar - Freeform, Plants, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 18:30:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armintheyard/pseuds/armintheyard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weyoun and Damar’s routine shuttle trip takes a turn for the undead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I like games!

After the unfortunate transporter "accident" Weyoun had refused to travel anywhere without Damar and a full unit of Jem'Hadar. He also avoided transporters. This is how Damar found himself in a small shuttlecraft headed towards the demilitarized zone on stardate 52438.9. 

He irritably set the shuttle to autopilot and leaned back in his chair. He could feel the Jem'Hadar standing at attention behind him and it gave him the creeps. Weyoun sat next to him gazing through the view screen with a small smile on his face, hands folded serenely in his lap.

What went on in the mind of a Vorta? He imagined a seething mass of insects; calculation, deceit, malice, all writhing behind unfocused milky purple eyes. They flew in silence for about an hour. 

It started out as a small blinking light that went unnoticed until Damar happened to look down as he scratched a loose scale on his knuckle. One light became 12 and was joined by an automated warning message from the computer. The shuttle began to shake.

Weyoun's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Another one of your schemes, Legate?" he hissed.

"No!" 

Weyoun's suspicion slowly shifted to mild concern as he watched the Cardassian frantically attempt to stabilize the shuttlecraft. He settled back in his chair as an uncharted M-Class planet loomed up in front of them, filling the view screen.

Damar awoke to a throbbing pain in his neck and jaw. He cursed himself for drinking too much kanar last night. He must have blacked out. And fallen too, if the pain he was starting to feel all over his body was any indication. Or maybe he'd gotten into a fight. "Stupid, you're so stupid." He felt his mouth moving but the ringing in his ears drowned out the whispered words.

He opened his eyes carefully. Something was blinking at him through the smashed control panel he was lying on. Slowly the memory of the shuttle malfunction, the Jem'Hadar yelling, Weyoun shrugging calmly and closing his eyes as if to take a nap... the pain receded as a surge of adrenaline shot though him and he sat up. 

They had crashed on the planet, he realized, looking around at the bodies of Jem'Hadar strewn all over the floor. Weyoun had been thrown from his chair and was lying in a crumpled heap, dead. The Vorta sat up, smoothing his ruffled hair. Not dead, then. Oh well.

One of the Jem'Hadar, the Second, began to stir. His legs were pinned under a fallen bulkhead. He opened his eyes and reached out a bloodied hand. "The... the white..." Weyoun ignored him, adjusting his suit and fastidiously wiping blood from his hairline. It was orange. So that's what color the Vorta bled, thought Damar bitterly. At any other time the sight might have given him some satisfaction but he was too worried about their current situation to get much enjoyment out of it now.

Then, all at once, the rest of the Jem'Hadar opened their eyes and got up. Something was very wrong. Their eyes glazed over with the film of death, bodies mangled beyond repair and still they rose from the ground in unison as if controlled by some terrible alien force. Damar's blood boiled with horror. The Jem'Hadar -no, not Jem'Hadar anymore- the unnatural creatures they had become began to move towards their former Second. Walking on broken femurs, dragging avulsed flaps of skin along the floor, some making strangled gurgling sighs through their torn and broken windpipes. The second reached out, confused, calling out the names of his former comrades before they fell on him, ripping out his intestines and began to devour him alive.

For a few seconds Damar and Weyoun could only stare at each other in shock, then they both leapt to their feet and ran for the door of the shuttle. It was stuck. Damar stepped back a few paces and ran at the door, ramming it with his shoulder and stumbling out into the smoky air. 

He heard a sharp cry and looking back to see the Vorta had fallen in the rubble and was now struggling to stand on an obviously injured ankle. He rushed over and slung Weyoun's arm over his shoulders half carrying him with no other thought but to get them as far away from the crash site as possible. When he could no longer hear the screams of the unfortunate Second he stopped to catch his breath, dumping Weyoun unceremoniously on the grass. He slumped down next to him. They were in a field surrounded by strange plants as far as the eye could see. A thin curl of smoke from the crash site wafted in the distance. It was almost peaceful. Three of the nails on his left hand were broken off and raw, he noticed.

Weyoun was sitting on the grass hugging his knees, gazing over at him with rapt attention. 

"What are you staring at?" asked Damar, after a pause.

The slight smile playing at the edges of Weyoun's lips transformed into an absolute beam. 

"Forgive me Damar; I am simply delighted that this unfortunate turn of events had the unexpected benefit of revealing the true depth of our friendship! I am truly touched, I had no idea that your regard for me was such that you would risk your own life to save mine, especially considering it was entirely unnecessary for you to do so as I may even now be already replaced by Weyoun8 if news of our accident has somehow reached the Dominion-"

"Oh shut up, Weyoun!" Damar growled, rubbing his forehead. He had a splitting headache. "If we're going to get out of here I might need help, that's the only reason I didn't leave you to be destroyed by your own men." 

Throwing back his head Weyoun shook with peals of laughter.

Damar took a deep breath and closed his eyes, visualizing his hands around the Volta’s flimsy little neck squeezing tighter and tighter until those creepy light eyes bulged from their sockets. 

Calmer, he stood and began to look around. Weyoun was resting his cheek on his knees and continuing to smile at him in an infuriating way. Damar ignored him and began studying the multitude of large, fleshy plants growing all around them. Some of them almost appeared to have humanoid faces. 

Impulsively he reached out to touch one. He sprang back as it burst, the cloud of purple spores missing him and hitting Weyoun who sneezed daintily and scuttled backwards, shaking his head with a moue of gleeful displeasure. 

"Oh my, that is quite poisonous!" His eyes glinted, "Perhaps we can find some use for it."

They cautiously began to study the vegetation surrounding them and found a plant that shot pellets, a fruit that exploded when thrown, and an enormous carnivorous plant that snapped shut on Damar, swallowing him whole and started to excrete an acidic liquid that only his tough Cardassian scales protected him from before he was able to shoot his way out of the plant with his phaser. Weyoun screamed with laughter as Damar stomped around trying to wring the goo out of his clothes and hair. He was seriously considering finding another of the plants and shoving the Vorta into it when Weyoun suddenly stopped laughing and went completely still.

"Don't look now but I believe we have company." 

Damar whirled around, phaser in hand. There was a humanoid approaching them in a somewhat erratic manner pulling some sort of cart. The alien was wearing a cylindrical silver helmet with a long straight attachment jutting out at a right angle. 

Weyoun sidled up to him, gently pushing his hand down until the phaser was pointed at the ground. 

"Come now Damar, I know it is the unfortunate nature of your species but there is no need for aggression so early on in the game."

He walked towards the humanoid, arms spread in a gesture of welcome. 

"Why hello there!" 

"Do you know why they call me Crazy Dave?" asked the humanoid.

"No, why is that?" Weyoun clasped his hands and tilted his head inquiringly.

"Because I'm crrRAAAAaaaAAAZYYY!"

"Ah, how delightful!"

Damar had to admit, the Vorta's diplomacy paid off. Following Crazy Dave's instructions they collected the most weapon-like of the plants and carefully replanted them around the shuttle, keeping a watchful eye on the undead Jem'Hadar who were milling around in a circle a few meters away. Then they got to work on the shuttle. They finally got the communications system working well enough to send out a general distress call, and as they were working to get basic life support back online a note wafted in through the open door. It was from the Jem'Hadar. It read:

"WUD U LIK TO JOIN UZ FOR DINER 2NITE? TEH MENU IZ UR BRAINZ"

After that there was nothing much for them to do besides huddle in blankets, gnaw on field rations and wait for the inevitable attack. Damar was overjoyed to find a bottle of kanar that had somehow survived the crash unbroken and Weyoun actually accepted a glass for once. He raised it with a small sigh.

"Hintik."

"Hintik."

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Weyoun and Damar and want them to be friends. Also, I had to do something with my excitement for the new Plants vs. Zombies game. I probably got some star trek ephemera wrong so feel free to leave corrections.


End file.
